Communicating Your Feelings And Attitudes: Nonverbal is Best

I cannot tell you how many people have come into my office over the past 30 years and told me that the real problem in their marriage is a lack of communication. We are, apparently, ineffective communicators. Turns out the real problem is that we depend too much on words. Too often we end up frustrated in not being able to convey what we really mean. We end up sounding like this quote from Robert McCloskey “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

I have two sons, they are in their early teens; and my husband and I are forever telling them that attitude matters, that the way they say things is just as important as what they say. Turns out we were wrong! The way things are said is MORE important. According to research done by Dr. Albert Mehrabian professor emeritus of psychology at UCLA, when a person is speaking about his or her feelings or attitudes (and only in that situation)

* 7% of meaning is in the words that are spoken.
* 38% of meaning is paralinguistic (the way that the words are said, tone of voice, etc.).
* 55% of meaning is in facial expression(and other body language).

In other words, what a person says is far less important than how they say it. We get the majority (93%) of the communication from non verbal cues. So when my son is rolling his eyes or saying “sorry” with dripping sarcasm, my interpretation that he may, perhaps, be insincere is probably accurate.

What does this mean to you? Well, several things jump immediately to mind. First, if you are receiving a written communication, you need to understand that you may not be receiving all the information the writer intended because you cannot see or hear the writer; you are missing certain important clues that could help you interpret the meaning of the words you see. Second, if you are the writer, you need to be sure that the words you use are accurately conveying the message you are trying to send. Remember, Dr. Mehrabian’s research only applies to communications about feelings or attitudes. More informational matters can be communicated effectively by words alone. So, stating “The movie starts at 7:00 PM.” is an accurate statement of fact not open to misinterpretation. But, “I am so sorry that I threw up on your mother’s dog.” may or may not be true.

It is almost impossible to convey the true meaning of a statement by just repeating the words. If you want to relay the content of a conversation, you need to add the voice and the mannerisms of the original speaker to get the third person to understand what you are saying. At first this may seem a daunting task, but you have probably had some practice. Remember reading to your five year old? You would take on the voice of the different characters and even add facial expressions and body language. Sure you did, most of us did. Check it out, go to the library and eavesdrop on a parent reading to a small child and you will hear and see it all.

Take the expression “Believe me, you are going to get everything you deserve.” Now practice saying this sentence different ways. You will find that there can be both positive and negative impressions from the same words. How other people are going to interpret what the words mean will depend a lot on your ability to convey the true communication. If you want a third party — your best friend, counselor, parent, minster, police officer, judge, lawyer, etc. etc. etc. to understand what really happened with your spouse, you need to be sure that you convey more than just the words.